Time would stand still and there was nothing funny about it. Except I was that mom in the super market now, the one I used to stare at before I had kids and think, “Oh my God lady get a grip he’s shorter than you!”  There are a million parenting books on what should be done at this moment in time but none of them had ever met my son.

After dealing with one I felt like I had had the crap beaten out of me, I became physically and emotionally burnt out and my son he would go about his day like nothing had happened. I felt like I was in a Twilight Zone episode, remember the one when all the grownups would tiptoe around and give the kid anything he wanted or else he would make them disappear into the abyss. I would do anything to avoid a fit, Toys R Us, chocolate.

Then one day, I wasn’t in the mood and as he started his tantrum I told him he was on his own. I told him if he needed anything I would be in the other room, sippy cup, hug etc., but it was his thing and it wasn’t going to wreck my day. That’s when it all changed, once I wasn’t emotionally involved and he wasn’t getting anything out of me they just stopped as fast as they started and that was the last I saw of the back arching Ninja.

The morning of the big day, I become the wardrobe lady and makeup artist extraordinaire, making sure everyone is well put together or knows how to put it together when it comes time for the big parade.  This year will be my 10^th Halloween parade and as I wait anxiously with camera in hand, all the frustration of getting ready for this day is magically forgotten, like the pain of childbirth. Ha! I have two of them left in the parade now and as they come around the corner grinning from ear to ear and perk up when they see me I am reminded of how fleeting motherhood is and I am so grateful for every moment. Happy Halloween Everybody!

As the school bell rings and the screams of joy come bellowing out through the doors into the playground it dawns on me, even though I knew it was coming, that another school year is over. I started stressing about the summer early April. What will I do with them for 2 months, for 67 days, for 1608 hours!!

I began asking other parents what their plans were with their kids for the summer. One mom told me her kids unfortunately were going to summer school, I’m thinking that’s great, you won’t have to pay for camp. I was determined to send my six year old to camp. But every camp I looked into was at least a couple of hundred dollars a week. To send all three of them for the entire summer is almost as much as a down payment on a house or car. I don’t remember camp being so complicated, rock climbing camp, sport camps, Go-Kart camps, skateboard camps, cooking camps, what do you want to specialize in at camp? Or the Sesame Street classic, Camp-Wanna-Go-Homa. In my days I went to camp, canoed, played “Capture the Flag” and sang camp songs. My oldest daughter just wants to sleep in. I like that, I want to sleep in, but I have to get up and do the endless morning rush of making lunches and putting on sunscreen for CAMP. Lets face it by the time I take them the family to Wonderland or Ontario Place, I’ve wasted so much money, I should just of sent them to camp. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I also found myself hoping the kids would hook up with friends who have cottages. The May 24 long weekend came around and whoever was left in town was the loser without the cottage just like us. Not to mention getting the time off work to go the cottage.

If it were a perfect world we would all get the summer off. Everything would just shut down and we could all throw up our work pencils on June 29 and leave screaming with joy.

Sure we do our best to answer these questions or pull out Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss to justify maybe the existence of other universes, life forms on other planets or speaking elephants. But when it comes to answering questions about our world and why people are the way they are. Like Why do people die? How are souls formed? Or why do people hate each other? If I can’t answer if scientifically I answer it from my heart or go back to distracting them with candy. Many of the questions they ask we can’t answer truthfully because it is just way to heavy a topic or gross. Although many people say including my own mother (who told my kids Santa wasn’t real just because they asked and we’re Jewish) tell them when they ask… Tell them when they ask! No don’t tell them just because they ask! Make up something or avoid the questions by saying it’s time to make dinner.

When is the age of reason? My kids want to discuss philosophical questions with me and I told them we’ll discuss them when they can spell philosophical.

I was working with a very talented young comic by the name of Jason Rouse. He’s tattooed, pierced and more times than not naked by the end of his show. If you’ve ever seen the movie, TV show Jack Ass, he’s one of those guys. He was always really nice to me and as crazy and shocking as he came across we had a great working relationship. He was the guy known for peeing in a water bottle in the car and if he wanted to shock you he’d drink it, or so the rumor goes.

We had two shows that night; the first one went on without a letdown. I was feeling pretty good and the second one was just about to begin, Jason was up to his usual antics with his buddy’s. I was wearing a light gray empress style shirt that night (I had to hide the post pregnancy tummy). The music was beginning and I turned to Jason to say, “Have a good show.” His jaw dropped and his face went flush as he pointed to my shirt, trying not to look at the same time. My light gray shirt now had very dark circles around my breasts, and the milk was now coming out in stream that had a good 5-foot range. As I pressed my elbows to my breast Jason was beside himself. I looked at him with disbelief the man who embraced every bodily function was taken down by the mom and her breast milk.

If I hear the Dora the Explorer song one more time, even worse if I have to see High School Musical again I think my head might explode. From Hanna Montana to SpongeBob kids can become addicted to television and so can we. And how come I’ve seen so many of the same episodes my kids say I have never seen, because they haven’t been on before.

Getting dinner ready or speaking on the phone is way easier when your child is sucked into TV land. There are no more questions being repeated 20 times while you glare at them and eventually say, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?!” Two hours can go by and you wonder why they are so quiet only to realize they have fallen asleep in front of the TV way to close to dinnertime and now you know they will never go to bed on time because of the nap you didn’t want them to have in the first place. (Wow, that was a long sentence)

Finding balance with kids and TV is hard. We as parents are so strapped for time and trying to get everything done sometimes the TV becomes the babysitter. When we were kids our parents would send us out to play, we never do that now without going with them so our parents had way more time to themselves. I never want to be that parent that sensors my kids but helping them find balance like putting a cap on the amount of time they can watch and then letting them chose what they want is a good start…. Or helping the chose like “Hey want to watch , So you Think You Can Dance?”

As women we go through a lot, our bodies, our psyche and our image of ourselves. I gained 80lbs with each of my pregnancies, yep, I weighed over 200lbs! By all standards I should have given birth to an eight year old. When my milk came in, I couldn’t believe how gigantic they became over night (my husband was pleased but he didn’t have to carry them around).  I began to have fun with them though, I discovered I had a good 8 foot firing range, I had my own built in milk gun so to speak, my husband would bug me and I’d shoot my breast milk at him. Did you ever find yourself doing this? When your baby first starts eating rice pabulum and you’re so exhausted you just lean over the counter and squirt in your milk,(that image wasn’t in any of the books I read) it’s very sexy.

Making love after you have a baby is interesting, with the lights off of coarse. There is nothing like being on all fours and the shock of feeling your stomach hit the bed. All I am thinking is “suck it in, it won’t suck in!”

Enjoy your big leaky breasts and your voluptuous body. Have fun going shopping and not having a clue what size you are, It took you 9 months to put on the weight give yourself nine months to take it off. And most importantly accept where you are; don’t feel guilty about where you’re not.

They were pretty cute and really funny. Once we had them in their plastic ball they could roll around the house in. The only thing I didn’t realize was Hamsters are nocturnal so now my peaceful nights are accompanied by Squeeks’ running on the hamster wheel over and over again.

Well one night Squeeks decides to break out of her cage and we can’t find Squeeks anywhere? Days lead to a week. Until I wake up one morning and there is the worst stench in my room which is coming from my heating vent. Squeeks had been trapped in our heating system and it cost me $300 to get my five buck hamster sucked out of my vent.

So our next family pet was an 80lbs dog that we would never lose in a vent. We found Dezzy at a pound (a black lab-retriever mix). A gentle natured dog with a mischievous side. I thought with having young kids this is a perfect time for a dog as one of us is always home. I was excited to show off a dogs intelligence compared to the hamster’s so all day I worked on, lie down and roll over. That night we were all hanging in my daughter’s room and I called Dezzy to show off what I had taught him. He ran in the room, I gave him his instructions and he proceeded to pee all over my daughter’s bed in excitement.

Which is when I realized no matter what size the pet, there are always great lessons for kids and more importantly a lot of laughter.

My first baby I walked to sleep; I should have gotten a sponsor like in a marathon and raised some money for a cause. Boy was that a mistake. Every time I stopped moving or put her down she would just wake up again, I was in a Nightmare! Number two came along, they were only 15 months apart so I didn’t have time to walk number one anymore because I was too busy nursing number 2 (I’m giggling to myself because you know you are sleep deprived when your children become numbers!) So as I nursed number 2 , number 1 would lie beside me and we would all fall asleep, yes my alone time was now just sleeping. Eventually because they were so close in age we would put them to sleep together, number one would play with number 2’s ear instead of mine and they would send each other to sleep or giggle in bed until I would lose my mind and sing the lullaby!  (kidding)

Number 3 came along five years later and this time I had it down. I realized it was my habits. This one we would lie in her crib, give a kiss and say good night. And to the family’s amazement she would smile and go to sleep. As she got older we had a routine I would sprinkle imaginary sleeping dust on her (very powerful) and sing her a real lullaby and with a kiss and a smile she would go to sleep.